First, handle your own emotions.
I hate watching my kids struggle. Yesterday during sparring practice at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ), my 8-year-old son got taken down repeatedly. After several brutal quick submissions, he cried and had to be comforted by one of the junior coaches. Meanwhile, I just sat on the side and watched it happen. It hurt my heart to see him hurting, and I’m ashamed to admit that I also found it embarrassing that he was making such a fuss…but I did not get up to comfort him or try to fix it. After class, I asked him what happened and he said he was upset because another kid had improved so much faster even though he had started taking BJJ classes later than my son had.
I refrained from scolding him for crying or pointing out what he should have done. Instead I told him that I was proud of him for how he had handled the situation, that I saw how he had gathered himself, tied his belt back on, and lined up to finish the class. I expressed that even though I thought crying was not the best way to communicate his boundaries, I was glad that he had at least recognized his boundary and spoken up when he needed a break from sparring.
And just like that… his whole demeanor changed. Tears disappeared and he became chatty and downright bubbly. My acknowledgement of what he had done flipped our evening around. The power of your words as a parent is stunning. In some ways it’s actually terrifying to have that kind of power over someone who is so precious to you. It’s something I need to remember, especially when my default mode is to offer critiques and ways to improve.
Growth mindset does not mean that if you try harder you can do anything you want. It means that if you apply effort over time you can change the conditions, meaning your brain can adapt such that things that were hard can feel easier. Stress can enhance performance. Stress response can be reframed as your body being in a state of excitement because you’re recruiting all the energy in your body to do something that matters to you and is on the edge of your current competency. And in that way, you expand your capability and you grow.
Our kids are entering a period of time where they will be learning different skills and possibly working towards mastery (or not). But they can’t be good at everything. As they progress, they will see their peers learning alongside them, and possibly improving faster and surpassing them. That can be uncomfortable for them (and for us). It is perfectly understandable for both parties to be upset and to have a hard time with it. Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process of raising humans. Perhaps that discomfort will motivate my son to work harder, or to find another path. But my job is to let him feel the feelings. In order to do that, I have to feel my feelings too. Growth mindset.